Because I grew up in a devout Catholic household, I am no stranger to receiving the sacrament of reconciliation. But even 25 years after my first confession, I still internally tremble and shake in the waiting line. The process of reconciliation is not only not fun it’s daunting.
Last Tuesday, however, as I was standing in line, impatiently waiting for my turn to confess, I found myself feeling exceptionally distressed. I was there to confess and reconcile with God for a sin I have committed time and time again. Each time I go to confession, I leave with the resolve to not fall into sin again, and yet, I always do. I stood in line confident in God’s forgiveness and deeply frustrated and upset with myself.
As the line moved forward, I heard the Satan whisper into my ear, “Are you even sorry for your sin? If you were really repentant, you would stop sinning. Come back when you are sorry.”
In response, I pulled out my Rosary and began to pray the sorrowful mysteries as well as I could. Satan’s whisper in my ear frequently distracted me, but I pressed forward, pleading with Christ and His mother to make my heart repentant if it wasn’t already.
At the end of the 4th Mystery, “The Carrying of the Cross,” it was my turn to go in. As I entered the confessional, I was disappointed to see that my favorite priest was not hearing confessions and my anxiety grew more. I feared this priest, who I did not know, would scold me for my sin.
Instead, he expressed joy that I was once again coming to the Lord. He offered me words of hope and gave consoling advice on how I might overcome this sin in time. As a penance, he asked I pray the 5th Sorrowful Mystery, “The Crucifixion.” (He did not know that this was the mystery I had left off praying on while in line.)
I left he confessional feeling relieved and more relief was to come…
After finding a private spot in the Church I continued my Rosary and imagined myself at the foot of Christ’s cross.
Despite the bloodied gory image of a man with exposed ribs and bluish skin, I found peace. From His cross, He took the effort to look me in the eye and when he did so, He did not say anything. He simply furrowed his brows and parted His lips with an expression of gratefulness and joy. I internally asked, “How can this be? I crucified you with my sin!”
Jesus did not say anything. He simply held his gaze on me, so I asked again, “How can this be? I crucified you with my sin!” Just then, in my heart, I felt a hand grab gently grab a hold of mine. In my mind’s eye, I turned to see who it was and it was Mary, Jesus’s mother. She gave me the very same gaze as her son, which left me with shock and wonder. “How can you look at me like that?” I said, “I did this to your son!” She answered, “You are a comfort to me and my Son. He does not die in vain.
At that moment my heart knew, Christ was answering my prayer in the confession line. He was letting me know that He had heard my confession and had forgiven me for my sin—again. He was not concerned with how many times I had failed to love Him. He was grateful for my willingness to come to Him and try again. He was grateful that I was willing to show up at the foot of His cross as a sign of repentance.
Such a beautiful and comforting message. Thank you for sharing your faith journey.
It should say above every confessional door, “Have hope all ye who enter here. By your act, he does not die in vain.”