Today, the living Gospel of Mark, Chapter 5:1-20 spoke to me. It couldn’t have been clearer. It nearly leapt out of the Bible and shouted my name.
Mark 5 tells the story of a nameless man who is possessed by demons and is living in a graveyard. The demons within him are so strong that even chains cannot restrain him. His demons have banished him from all the living and now, his only company remains among the dead. The man’s pain is so great that he expresses it by wailing and bruising himself with stones.
Because the man in the story is nameless, I felt called to insert my name into the story. I imagined that it was me in the graveyard, possessed by demons, unable to be restrained even by chains, wailing, and bruising myself with stones. As I thought about all this, I was called to question myself: What are my demons? Which demons separate me from my living loved ones and place me among the dead? What do I do to bruise myself? For what or who are my insides wailing?
After considering these questions, I read on…
One day while the man is wailing and bruising himself with stones in the graveyard, Jesus arrives with his disciples from across the sea. When the man sees Jesus, he falls prostrate. Jesus heals the man from his demons by casting the demons into some swine near the graveyard on a hill. As Jesus turns to go, the healed man asks to go with Jesus, but Jesus says, “Go home to your family and announce to them all that the Lord in his pity has done for you”(Mark 5:20)
There were several things that struck me here. Jesus, a Jew, has traveled across the sea to a place that Jews would consider “unclean.” We know the land is unclean because of the nearby swine. For the Jews, swine was forbidden by law to even touch. Not only did Jesus travel far from his home into unclean, “sinful” land, the graveyard seems symbolic. The man is dead in his sin, unable to thrive among the living. Jesus is willing to travel literally to the grave (as he does on Good Friday) to heal and save us from our sin. In this case, he seems to have done so for the sake of that one nameless man. He heals the man and leaves.
As I prayed about the scripture, Christ said to me, “If you want to be healed, I will heal you. I will heal you like I healed the unnamed man. I will travel to where you are. I will step into the unclean, dead place of your soul. I will heal you and raise you from the dead. I will unite you with the living forever.”
And as I reflected on the words that Jesus said to unnamed man once he had healed him, I heard Jesus say them to me too, “Go home to your family and announce to them all that the Lord in his pity has done for you” (Mark 5:20). And so, I cannot keep this Good News to myself. The Lord in his goodness will heal me. He will heal you too. He will travel into the unclean, dead places in your soul. He will heal you and bring you into everlasting life.
EDIT: The reactions of this post have encouraged me to share my reflections of this Gospel on a more personal level:
As many of you know, last year I mysteriously disappeared from society. Those who I work with know I took long term medical leave and were never told why. Certain friends of mine were told that I was just too busy to hang out. The shame I felt from my illnesses removed me from the living and sent me into a metaphorical graveyard.
Like the unnamed man in Mark’s Gospel, I had many demons haunting me, causing me to wail, and “beat myself with stones.” The strongest demon was the shame I felt over my diagnoses of trauma and anorexia nervosa. Perhaps you are surprised by the diagnoses. Perhaps you aren’t.
In my shame, I tried to keep it together while at work and in public. I distracted myself from the trauma with thoughts of food, exercise, and losing weight. During the traumatic events, I had no control. My (sickly, demonic) way of taking back control of my body was to lose weight. In this way I could have command over what went in and out of my body. I could also control my fertility.
Unfortunately, this was not the way to heal myself from the trauma. The demons of my illnesses took over me, and like the unnamed man, I could not be restrained. I grew more and more ill. I was no longer in control of my own actions and behaviors.
While I have never been “gaunt” my weight did plummet into double digits. I was cold enough that I felt the need to wear leggings under my pants and tank tops under my shirts for the extra warmth. Frequently, I layered sweaters over the tank tops and shirts. My blood pressure was low, and I was tired all the time. These were the bruises from my stones.
But the worst symptoms of the illnesses were those that kept me from the living. I lost my ability to concentrate. I was always in a cantankerous mood. My lack of concentration and irritability kept me unable to connect with others. As my illnesses became worse, my shame grew. As my shame grew, I began to withdraw more and more from society. Like the unnamed man in Mark’s Gospel, I was removed from the living and “dwelling among the tombs.”
For a while, I did not really want to heal. I didn’t want to deal with the reality of the trauma. Part of me is still afraid, but what I have learned from this Gospel is that there is no need to be afraid. Jesus will meet me where I am. He will stay with me through the love of other people. After Jesus heals the nameless man, he sends the man home to his family. He sends the man back to dwell among the living.
I cannot forget that Jesus uses others to heal and continue healing. One encounter with Christ is not a “cure-all.” The work continues and Christ continues his work at home, among the living through the living. The living cannot travel or reach the dead. Christ must do that himself and for me, he has done that through this scripture. I am not fully healed, but I am healing, and will continue to heal in Christ through the help of others.
This is only the beginning. I hope to continue healing with an on-going relationship with Christ through prayer, meditation, and other humans. Thanks for reading. I hope my story has somehow helped you! Your listening and presence in general has sure helped me!
