I have often heard the term “forgive and forget” thrown around by Christians. But let’s face it. In some cases, forgiving and forgetting is dangerous because forgetting will lead to a repeated harm. As my mom once told me, “You can love a lion, Jacqueline, but that does not mean you sleep with it.”
What did she mean?
She meant, be prudent. If someone is likely to hurt you, practice caution and do what you can to not give them occasion to repeatedly hurt you.
But does this conflict with the Christian teaching on forgiveness? What does Jesus, the ultimate forgiver, have to say about forgiveness? Are we really called to forgive everyone all the time? Even the unrepentant?
The short answer is no.
In Luke 17:3-4 Jesus says, “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him; and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, and says, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”
As an English Literature student, I must notice the small and powerful word, “if.”Jesus says, “if he repents, forgive him.” He does not say, forgive him no matter what, even if he does not repent. What does this mean? What then, is repentance?
To understand, let us first look at forgiveness in the terms of justice.
What is justice?
Justice calls us to satisfy a debt. Justice means to do what we can to repair a wrong committed against another.
As you may recall from a previous blog post, when I was a little girl, I broke a toy that belonged to my sister. When I broke my sister’s toy, I also damaged our relationship. In order to restore the relationship, I practiced justice by working to earn money to buy her a new toy.
But what if I didn’t have the opportunity to earn the money to buy her a new toy? Does that mean that she didn’t have to forgive me because I didn’t have the opportunity to act upon the justice due to her?
No. If someone is repentant that means they are willing to do everything possible to repair the damage done and restore justice. It does not guarantee that justice will be restored. It only guarantees a contrite heart.
If someone shows a true desire to restore the damage they have done, then we must forgive them, regardless of their ability to restore the damage. Their desire to make amends along with the grace given to us by God, is enough for us to find forgiveness in our hearts.
Consider Matthew 18:23-35, where Jesus tells us how to forgive through a parable of a lord who forgives a slave. In the parable, the lord forgives a slave who owes him more than what could be paid back in multiple lifetimes. The lord forgives the slave because the slave has a contrite heart. The slave, “…fell on his knees before him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ And out of pity for him, the lord of that slave released him and forgave him the debt” (Mt. 18:26-27). This means that the lord is willing accept what the slave can do to repair the damage and let go of what the slave cannot repay.
This does not mean that the lord in the parable will not suffer because the debt is not repaid. This does not mean that the lord is not angry with the servant for not being able to repay his debt or that he will allow the slave to go into further debt. It means that he recognizes the slave’s sorrow and is not going to demand reparation for a debt that cannot be repaid.
Additionally, the parable does not say that the lord forgets what the slave has done. No. If we read further, we see that the lord in the parable does remember and recall the slave’s past grievance.
When the slave who the lord has forgiven goes out and refuses to forgive a fellow slave who is repentant, the lord who forgave the slave is greatly disturbed saying:
You wicked slave! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. Should you not have had mercy on your fellow slave as I had mercy on you? And in anger his lord handed him over to be tortured until he would pay his entire debt.
(Mt. 18:32-34)
While God has mercy on those who are repentant, he expects us to be equally merciful and forgiving. At the end of the parable Jesus says, “So my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart” (Mt. 18:35).
Jesus even teaches us to pray, “…forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Mt. 6:12).
So, forgiveness does not mean we have to let go of hurt or anger. It only means we accept the justice we can receive from a repentant person and let go of what cannot be restored to us. The Bible says nothing about forgiveness being warm and fuzzy feelings. While those may come with time, they are not necessary. What is necessary when it comes to forgiveness are the actions of recognizing the offender’s sorrow for what he has done, accepting the reparation that can be given, and letting go of a demand for a justice that cannot be restored.
But let’s go back to the if in Luke 17:3-4. What about those who are not repentant? Do we have to forgive them?
No. God does not force forgiveness on anyone, and neither should we. While we are all offered the opportunity for God’s forgiveness through Jesus’ death and resurrection, we must still repent. To not repent is to willingly choose to go to Hell.
What does this mean for us who are dealing with those who have wronged us and are unrepentant? What do we do?
If we can do it without sinning, we seek out justice by letting the unrepentant deal with the consequences of their actions. However, if our desire for justice will cause us to sin, we must not act upon it. Instead, we must give it to God and allow him to use our desire for justice in a way that will prevent further harm upon the world.
Just as forgiveness does not require letting go of anger, neither does unforgiveness require us to hold onto our anger. To hold onto anger and carry a grudge upon those who do not repent can lead us into temptation and sin.
Forgiving is hard sometimes, but with guidance from the Holy Ghost, it is doable and even enjoyable.