Exhausted By Trials?

Sunday’s first scripture reading from Book of Deuteronomy chapter 8:2-3, 14b-16a) describes and summarizes the story of the Israelites escaping from slavery in Egypt. It reminds us that the Israelites, after being set free from captivity, spent forty years reluctantly wandering around in the desert and being fed with food from Heaven before entering the promised land of milk and honey.

While I have never been a slave in Egypt or spent much time in the desert, this is a story to which I can relate. When I was deep in my illnesses of trauma and anorexia I was, like the Israelites in Egypt, a slave. I was so sick I was not in control of my own actions. Nearly every thought and action I had was dictated by my fear from trauma and distorted thinking. To avoid bad memories and thoughts, I kept myself hungry. If I were always hungry my biological survival mechanisms would kick in and I would not be able to think about anything other than food. To me, thinking about food and suffering the consequences of starvation felt safer than dealing with the reality of my trauma. When reading this scripture, I found the slavery of the Israelites in Egypt symbolizing the captivity of my traumatized mind and addiction to anorexia. Eventually the severe consequences of anorexia brought me to a place where I wanted recovery. But when I decided to escape my metaphorical Egypt, I found myself, in a metaphorical desert.

Like the Israelites, I am exhausted by the trials that come with recovery and am sometimes tempted to go back into slavery:

Why does the Lord bring us into this land, to fall by the sword? Our wives and our little ones will become prey; would it not be better for us to go back to Egypt?” (Nu. 14:1-4).

For the Israelites, slavery in Egypt represented the stability of the familiar. In Egypt, they were not lost or wandering around questioning if they would become prey to the unknown trials of the desert. In Egypt they knew exactly where they were and where they would end up. In the dessert, this was not so. They knew they were looking for the promised land, but they did not know where it was, when, or if they would arrive.

This is much like the journey towards recovery. For me, the promised land represents the place of recovery. The scenes of the Israelites wandering in the desert represent my unsureness of how, when, or if I will achieve recovery. Like the Israelites, I often want to give up on the journey of recovery and go back to my illness. At least in my illness I knew what to expect and I knew where I would end up and there was comfort in avoiding the symbolic desert dangers of my traumatic memories.

The scenes of the Israelites wandering in the desert, represents a tough, spiritual journey. While the desert is a vast and terrible place, God sustains them and helps them through by providing water and bread from Heaven:

Do not forget the Lord, your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, that place of slavery; who guided you through the vast and terrible desert with its saraph serpents and scorpions, its parched and waterless ground; who brought forth water for you from the flinty rock and fed you in the desert with manna (De. 14b-16a) …

          It is significant that the manna God provides the Israelites is from Heaven, “Then the Lord said to Moses, ‘Behold, I will rain bread from heaven for you” (Ex. 16:4) … The bread from Heaven reminds me that I need to nourish myself with more than just earthly food. I need to feed myself spiritually too. I need to feed myself with Jesus- the bread of life. Achieving recovery is achieving life. If Jesus is the bread of life then without Him, I cannot find recovery. I will not be able to overcome my desert trials.