Overcoming The Most Difficult Obstacle in Eating Disorder Recovery

For me, one of the most difficult obstacles in eating disorder recovery was to let go of the belief that eating made me an unclean, defiled beast. For whatever reason, putting anything into me except water and (oddly) diet soda reminded me of being sexually abused as a child. To avoid the intrusive memories and flashbacks of rape, I would try to go without eating for as long as possible. When hunger gave way, I would misuse laxatives and vomit after I ate to rid myself of the dirty feeling.

That was until I heard Mark’s Gospel being read out in Mass:

“There is nothing outside a man which by going into him can defile him; but the things which come out of a man are what defile him… Do you not see that whatever goes into a man from outside cannot defile him, since it enters, not his heart but his stomach, and so passes on? (Thus he declared all foods clean.) And he said, “What comes out of a man is what defiles a man…” 

Mark 7:15-20 RSVSCE

My eyes filled with tears when I heard this, and my heart quickened with joy and relief. All these years I thought my body had been desecrated because someone had entered me repeatedly without my consent. I had felt used, spoiled, and filthy. I felt like his monstrous actions became a part of me when he entered me. It was a relief to literally hear the Word of God say that this was untrue, and I had no need to fast and purge myself. It was especially helpful that in this scripture, Christ declares all food clean.

To my dismay, change did not take place over night, and this was not a “Damascus Road” healing. Despite knowing and accepting the truth that I could not be dirtied by rape or eating, I still struggled with flashbacks and grimy feelings when eating. But knowing the truth helped me act against those feelings. I didn’t want to die, and I didn’t want to continue destroying my health. My mantra while eating (and even after eating) become, “whatever goes into a man from outside cannot defile him…”