There have been many times in my recovery where after a slip up, or stressful event, I have fallen into thoughts of self-deprecation and self-loathing. In these moments I often think, “What’s the point of recovery if I keep failing? I should just give up! The world would be better without me anyway…”
When these types of thoughts begin to buzz about my mind, the most useful thing I can do is read and re-read, Mark 5:1-20 where Jesus travels across the sea with his apostles to a graveyard full of swine for the purpose of healing an unnamed, demon possessed man. As we read this Gospel, we learn that this unnamed man has been unsuccessfully chained to the tombs by the society around him. We additionally learn that he has spent his days and nights in the graveyard wailing and beating himself with stones.
When I was in the depths of my eating disorder, I often felt like I was the unnamed, demon possessed man. Nothing anyone did could force me to eat or keep my food down. My family would plead and cry. My sister tried to physically hold me down. Once, I even screamed while hurling a sleeve of crackers across the room. Like the unnamed man, my harmful behaviors could not be contained or controlled by anyone outside of me. They couldn’t even be controlled by me. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, I could not find the will within myself to eat or keep food down.
Eventually, my failing mental and physical health kept me from engaging with society at all. I lost my ability to concentrate, and I was quick to become irritable. My short temper, lack of focus, and shame kept me isolated and in a metaphorical graveyard. To top it off, my metaphorical graveyard was, as in the case of the unnamed man, in an unclean land. While I did not have swine, an animal Jews were forbidden to touch, running around my bedroom, I had hidden bags of vomit waiting to be discarded in secret.
When reading this Gospel and reflecting on my own life, the Holy Spirit always reminds me that this unnamed man is not a unique case in Christ’s pursuit for healing souls. Christ loves each and every one of us so much that he is literally willing to travel to the grave as he does on Good Friday and in the case of this scripture. No matter how unclean we are or think we are, no matter how dead in our sin, how lost, how lonely, how isolated, Christ loves and wants us. He will travel to you, meet you where you are at, and help you climb out of the graveyard and into the land of the living. To read Mark 5:1-20 you can go here: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark+5%3A1-20&version=NRSVCE
