Letting Go of the “Why Me” Complex and Accepting Healing.

Jesus said to his disciples:
“Suppose one of you has a friend
to whom he goes at midnight and says,
‘Friend, lend me three loaves of bread,
for a friend of mine has arrived at my house from a journey
and I have nothing to offer him,’
and he says in reply from within,
‘Do not bother me; the door has already been locked
and my children and I are already in bed.
I cannot get up to give you anything.’
I tell you, if he does not get up to give him the loaves
because of their friendship,
he will get up to give him whatever he needs
because of his persistence.

“And I tell you, ask and you will receive;
seek and you will find;
knock and the door will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks, receives;
and the one who seeks, finds;
and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
What father among you would hand his son a snake
when he asks for a fish?
Or hand him a scorpion when he asks for an egg?
If you then, who are wicked,
know how to give good gifts to your children,
how much more will the Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit
to those who ask him?”

In times of distress, this scripture gives me patient hope by reminding me that Christ will never hand us anything that will bring us harm, and if someone else gives us something that will bring us harm, He will help us through and will heal us. It also reminds me that God does not promise to offer us what we ask for. Instead, he promises to give us whatever we need.

One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with in my recovery was why God allowed such abuse and pain in my life. I often asked, “God, WHY?!” At other times, I pleaded and begged God to make the abuse stop. I wished and prayed that he would strike me or the abuser dead with lightening. I wondered, “God, if you can do anything, why didn’t you keep this from happening?”

What I have come to learn is that God is always loving and one of the ways he shows us His love is by not forcing us to love Him. So, although he does allow us to suffer the consequences of our sin and the repercussions of other people’s sin, he does not leave us alone. Through his crucifixion, He walks through the pain with us, and through the Eucharist, the Bible, The Body of Christ in the Church and Communion of Saints, He gives us the grace to not just get through, but to heal and thrive.

I’ll give you an example. One day I was walking down a vacant street in Brooklyn, and I heard my name. When I turned, I only saw the empty street, so I kept walking. But then I heard my name two more times and that’s when I realized I was walking past a Catholic Church. I had time to kill so I went inside, and there before me, was the Eucharist exposed in Adoration. There was no one else in the Church. It was just me and God. I sat down and asked God what he wanted, and He reminded me of a time I let my emotions out in front of Him in my last experience of adoration, and He encouraged me to share them again, but I was afraid. In that moment, it dawned on me that Jesus is alive in the Eucharist, and despite the positive experience I had with him last time I was in adoration, I was filled with fear. Instead of letting Him heal me and sharing my most intimate thoughts with Him, I bolted from the Church as soon as someone else came inside. I don’t know why, but I was scared to heal. I was scared to change my ways and let go of the anger inside of me.

When I think back and reflect on my life, I see many situations like this. I knocked on God’s door, begging for death and when He opened the door and offered me the death of my sick life along with healing and renewed life, I ran away. There were many, many moments that in my pain and agony Christ answered the door, reached out, and offered me, not what I asked for, but what I needed. I’m so glad that after many years of closing the door after Christ answered, I stepped in and took the gift of healing and renewed life. I encourage you to do this too, and to remember that while sometimes God does give us what we ask for, other times He offers us something even better.