It is remarkable and amazing to me that when Jesus’s disciples asked Christ how to pray in Luke 11:1-4 that the first word of prayer He gave them is “Father.” When I reflect on the meaning of the word “Father” there are many things that come to mind, but the first is that we are meant to have a father-child relationship with God. The fact that the first word is “Father” tells us that above all, God first and foremost desires a relationship with us. He desires to be a protector, a confidant, a teacher, a healer, and all the things a good father is meant to be. Like a good Father, he wants us to be able to come to him with anything.
When I was suffering from my eating disorder, I trusted no one. Not even God. When I prayed, my prayers sounded formal, rote, and distant. I said things like, “Dear God, I love you so much. Please help me to be good and to obey,” and “Dear Heavenly Father, have pity on me, a sinner.” While there is nothing wrong with these kinds of prayers, for me, they were disingenuous. I was not going to God as a child would run to their Father when wounded. Instead, I was obnoxiously trying to hide myself from God and play perfect. Inside, I was angry with Him for many reasons, but I thought it was a sin to be angry with God, so I pretended to be fine.
It wasn’t until I began trusting God as a father that I truly began to heal from my eating disorder. I don’t remember what happened, but one day something set me over the edge, and I just couldn’t pretend to be fine anymore. I could feel my muscles tense, my heart race, and my face flush. I was seeing red, and I was terrified of what I might do so I went to the only place I felt safe-ish. Church. As I marched down the church aisle with my feeling spilling out of me, I internally cursed God. In my mental prayer (I did NOT do this out loud) I spewed profanities, I screamed, I cried, I imagined myself beating my fists up against Christ’s chest, howling in self-pity and agony. And when I was done and calmer, I looked up and thought, “Oh my God. How can I talk to you that way? I am so sorry. Please forgive me!”
I was shocked with how Jesus responded. In my heart, I saw Christ sitting on the alter in front of me, smiling, and swinging His feet like a carefree kid. I looked at Him confused and asked, “What? How can you be so happy with me? I just chewed you out, cursed, and showed you my ugliest thoughts and feelings.”
And do you know what Christ did? He laughed and said, “Jacqueline! You finally trust me. You finally trust me.”
In Luke’s Gospel Christ tells us to call God father. A good father wants us to come to him with everything, even our deepest emotions and burdens. I have found that God will not heal a wound we are not willing to show him. It is only when we trust Him like a child would trust a good father and show Him our wounds, that real healing begins.
