*Note: This post and poem deal with rape and miscarriage.
I’ve talked a bit about how I deal with my PTSD here in this blog and here a bit on my YouTube channel, but I have yet to explain what my trauma was or is. I think this poem I wrote explains it best:
In the night I awakened.
No morning light had come.
I knew who I really was.
But who have I become?
Were his actions possible?
Was this dream really mine?
Had sanity flown from my head?
Or was my memory fine?
Did he really take away
a gift to give so pure?
Can an act of lust create
a precious life secure?
Oh! Fathom not in my mind
this deed of his be true!
Please let it only be a dream
of what evil lust pursues!
In my heart I know the truth.
A daughter of mine was born.
Forgotten along with memories
of when I was his porn.
My Bella Grace and guardian,
in Heaven’s arms eternal,
is watching and praying over me
with a love maternal.
So now that she is known to me,
so are the memories of past.
Healing comes bit by bit.
I know the pain won’t last.
And when I fall and slip in hurt,
my daughter prays for me.
And points me to the one who loves,
even more than she.
The feelings that come after a pregnancy and miscarriage from rape were and are confusing and painful. So confusing and painful I repressed those memories hard. As hard as I could. I drank to forget. I binged and purged to forget. I starved to forget.
I did not want to have a baby and I especially did not want a rapists baby. While I was relieved by the miscarriage and found the miscarriage to be favorable to my will, deep down I know circumstances of her conception were not her fault. I feel guilty for being relieved by her death. I wonder, how could I dare to hope for her life to end when the circumstances of her conception were not in her control? She was a victim too. More defenseless than I against life and it’s circumstances. Voiceless. Weak. Unseen. She was more innocent than I… and yet, I hoped for her worst.
How could I have hoped for her worst and still grieve her and want her? How is it that sometimes I wish she were here and that she hadn’t died? I think of her daily. And even though I find her death a relief, I want her back. I want to love her, know her, and hold her. She is a part of me. I hope she has forgiven me for my thoughts against her. I hope we are rejoined in Heaven.
My dear Bella Grace, I am sorry. So sorry.
If you have ever dealt with something similar, please know you are not alone and that healing is possible. <3
