Right before my second eating disorder relapse, I was feeling burdened with the troubles of the world around me. I felt I needed to fix everything and be there for everyone. When my church needed a cantor, choir member, and children’s liturgy coordinator I filled the slots. When the school I worked at needed an aftercare assistant, I agreed to stay late and help. And when some students in my classes in college were struggling with understanding the assignments, I became their tutors. Every time I saw a need, I thought it was my job to fill it. I became so focused on what I thought other people needed me to be and do, I never stopped to question who I was meant to be in Christ. In fact, even though I was serving the Church in many ways, I was neglecting my relationship with Christ. As a result, I lost all sense of my identity and I began to feel anxious, overwhelmed, and out of control. When I think back about this time right before the relapse, I wish I had slowed down enough to listen to this scripture from Luke’s Gospel:
Jesus entered a village
where a woman whose name was Martha welcomed him.
She had a sister named Mary
who sat beside the Lord at his feet listening to him speak.
Martha, burdened with much serving, came to him and said,
“Lord, do you not care
that my sister has left me by myself to do the serving?
Tell her to help me.”
The Lord said to her in reply,
“Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things.
There is need of only one thing.
Mary has chosen the better part
and it will not be taken from her (Luke 38-420).
Like Martha, I only saw what needed to be done outside of me. It had not occurred to me that there was work to do with Christ in me. It wasn’t until I slowed down, focused on my relationship with Christ, and discovered who I was in Christ that I began to heal and be at peace. And it wasn’t until I found healing myself that I was able to truly help others. Once I began spending more time resting with God, I found that the energy to love and do for Christ comes from time with Christ. And all those other things I was worried about, I need not have worried. He took care of those things too.
For many of us, it is easier to understand Martha’s view than Mary’s. We feel it is more important to serve Jesus than to just spend time with him. Thank you for pointing out with this little bible story that that is not true.